The title Motivation to Diet is deceptive because for me personally, I don’t want to diet, I’m looking for a lifestyle change. I used the word "Diet" because that is what people understand and are used to and also because in the truest form, any eating pattern that we choose is our "diet" regardless of if we are trying to lose weight or not.
I’ve been trying to lose weight for the last four years rather unsuccessfully. I’ve put effort in, and have had various motivations to do it, including wanting to fit into my wedding dress that had to be altered to fit me from the original size I was when it was created.
When I met Ronnie I told him that I was seriously under my normal weight because of grief, prayer and fasting, and not to expect that I would always weigh 120. Since I have gained beyond my normal weight of 138, my husband has hinted at his displeasure about my weight for some time. I have tried to loose it but I don’t think that it was a total priority in my mind.
Quite honestly, I think it can be hypocritical for men to gain weight and then criticize their wives when they do. ESPECIALY if it’s like in my case, where its Ronnie, bringing the junk food home and in some cases quite literally feeding it to me!
Here’s an example from two nights ago. Ronnie: I feel like pizza, do you want pizza?
Me: No, I don’t want pizza, I’m on a diet and I’d like you to support me on it.
Ronnie: You’ve been doing so well I thought you’d like a "cheat day."
Me: I’ve only been on the diet four days, no I don’t want a "cheat day," I want results.
I’m not trying to rant on my husband there, I’m sharing it because I know that some of you have had similarly frustrating experiences.
What I do want is to share what has radically changed my thinking although that is something that has been in the process for over a year in terms of my health and well being. I’m going to quote from several sections of one chapter in Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only – What you need to know about the inner lives of men. She surveyed hundreds of men and this quote is from a chapter called The Truth About the Way You Look – Why what’s on the outside matters to Him on the inside. "This chapter is about something our men desperately want us to know, but feel absolutely unable to tell us…The effort you put into your appearance is extremely high on his priority list. Yet the chances that you know his true feelings are extremely low. What I’ve learned about men’s needs in this area has been life changing. It has jarred me out of a dangerous complacency. Call me naïve, but I just didn’t realize that the issue of appearance was such a big deal—such and imperative deal---for a guy. Of course, having learned just how visual men are, I should have gotten a clue. But somehow I assumed that if I was out of shape, I was the only person who was negatively affected."
As she’s doing research for the book, a professional acquaintance tells her, " There’s something I need to mention to you," Ted said, looking uncomfortable. "I think women have a blind spot in an area that they really need to understand." Taking a deep breath, he spilled the beans.
"I don’t think women know how important it is to take care of themselves and not to look like a slouch around their husbands."
"You mean, not to be overweight…?" I ventured.
"That’s part of it, but that’s not really it," Ted continued intently. "It doesn’t mean you have to be a size 3. The bigger issue is that your husband sees that you are putting forth the effort to take care of yourself, for him. See, my wife is 115 pounds, but her weight isn’t really the issue. It’s not about being tiny. If she doesn’t take care of herself, dresses sloppily around me all the time, never exercises, and has no energy to go and do things together, I feel like she’s choosing not to do something that she should know is important to me. And then it becomes a real issue because it affects her ability to do things and her self-worth and desire---and then it affects, me."
"Over and over again, I heard each man say that what mattered most to him was not that his wife shrank down to her honeymoon bikini, but that she was willing to make the effort to take care of herself for him."
"Why does your appearance matter? When men felt safe enough to tell the truth they said. "When you take care of yourself, I feel loved." Since men are so visual, seeing us make the effort to look good makes them feel loved and cared for. This area is so imperative to them, our efforts—or lack thereof--- directly affect their perception of our care for them."
Several men told me something like this: "I want to be proud of my wife. Every man has this innate competition with other men, and our wives are a part of that. Every man wants other men to think that he did well."
Now I’m going to share something that is difficult to hear. This two-part comment is from a close friend whose heart I trust completely. I’m including it because I’ve found it is truly how men think and because I believe it helps to make a critical distinction. My friend’s candid comment:
"Sometimes I’ll meet a guy who looks just like an average guy. But then, if I meet his wife and she is huge and very out of shape and just sloppy, I feel so sorry for him. It sounds terrible, but my gut just churns for him. It’s this "Oh, I’m so sorry" sort of compassion. That sounds absolutely terrible to say out loud, but it is what every man is thinking.
But then sometimes I’ll meet a man whose wife is overweight--- but she takes care of herself. She puts some effort into her appearance. She dresses neatly, or does her makeup and hair. If she is comfortable in her own skin and is confident, you don’t notice the extra pounds. I look at that husband and think, He did well."
End of quotes from Shaunti’s awesome book that all women should buy and read.
There you have it. That ladies and gentlemen in a nutshell is why I’m committed to changing my life. I want to be healthy, have energy, and I want my husband to be able to feel proud of me. That section of the book opened my eyes as the proverbial light bulb went off. I always wore dresses and did my makeup before I met Ronnie. But he didn’t care about those things and actually preferred me in sweats and a ponytail. But he has always told me that it was important to him for me to exercise. Anyway, I didn’t get it before but now I have awakened and I’m changing.
So for those of you who are interest in making your own life changes or seeing how my experiments work out, follow along.
By Nedalee Ruiz
Nedalee is the author of The Desperate Parents Handbook
http://www.desperateparent.com/Nedalee recommends
http://www.healingwatermachines.com/ for more articles on health and healing.
Copyright © 2008 By Nedalee Ruiz Permission granted to reproduce in entirety only including links and author credits.
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